177-2021-i-will-not-call-a-therapist-if-vent-o-magic

I keep getting asked about it by my mother. I know she is trying to help, but that is the quickest way to make something not feel like I own it anymore, and in fact bring and breed resentment. Why would I want to do that if she keeps asking about it?

Each time she asks about it, it makes me less and less likely to want to actually do it at all, and I’ve explained this very simply each and every time she asks.

She simply doesn’t understand it. Or if she does, she pretends not to.

I do love her though very much.

it’s like this: I dont want to be asked constantly do to something, and I’m not going to do it just to be not asked about it. This doesn’t motivate me, it pisses me off. I just screamed and had to walk around to calm down.

What motivates me is being left alone to my own damn devices, and nobody suggesting what I should or shouldn’t do. As weird as that sounds, I value my intellectual and procedural freedom. The fastest way to piss me off is to suggest what I should be doing. Sorry Gary, now I know why you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I was doing a lot of that, because I was trying to help, and I’ve since seen the pattern clearly.

Of the two therapists I’ve actually enjoyed, they both didn’t take notes. After I left one of them did, but he didn’t in session at all. MY favorite one didnt take notes afterwards or during, and that really showed in the quality of attention he was able to give- he was truly present and focused on being a genuine human, and I think the best kind of therapist really just surrogates a friendship. Even though they are paid for it.

It/This must have some sort of therapeutic academic wording around it, huh?

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I get more therapuetic value from writing out and exploring my own thoughts and or sharing them with a human than I do with almost every single therapist i’ve ever had. i’ve only liked two of them, the rest i would have been happy watching them walk away to a far away land never to return again. (as long as they were able to walk away unharmed by the circumstances of whatever awaited them, i just had no use for them and they were confounding.)

addendum:

is there a term for bugging someone constantly to tell you when they’ve made an appointment?

Is that just old fashioned guilt shame? There must be some word for this, but I know I am highly resistant to it.

I would like to find a good therapist since my last one retired, but the past six months she asks every so often, and I just reiterate that you need to stop asking and I’ll eventually tell you that I have an appointment.

(and that each time you ask, it makes me resentful and not want to do it.)

I think the key is for me to choose a different reaction, and she says I’m being stubborn,

but I just dont like being asked, and know I can’t change her behavior, only suggest it would be nice not to be asked,

and don’t want to just call one to make her stop asking,

because that would reinforce that she has a winning strategy,

even though she’s just trying to help.

***all things considered, what if i didn’t even want a therapist?*** i do, but that is also something to be just put out there.

~ Ramo / Omar / Doctor-Beans / citizen of earth