(and it’s in your head the whole time, anyway.)
There’s a real funny thing when you’re upset about things, and you can’t control them, but they’re not you but someone you care about, just going apeshit grinding away at a broken record, and you’ve finally let your mind slip into an old pattern because you get bored of engaging them in the way that YOU are SUPPOSED TO, and THEY are not responsive, at all, to reason, rationale, emotion, or logic, and default to the same broken ass behavior, all one can do is either walk away, or slowly accept that they are unwilling to change their behavior…
There’s really nothing else to do.. The sad thing is, when they’re convinced they’re trying to help you, and they’re driving themselves mad doing it, and won’t listen to your heartfelt words.
I wanted to write about this from a respectful perspective, because there’s no other way to do it… I’m not going to say who I am speaking about, but I am going to say this: They have this assumption.. They are unwilling to change, or it feels and seems (circumstantially, they are unwilling to change it, until they see something that indicates they can change it..)
and the opinion is painful to hear, over and over again, and it’s actually really annoying, and disheartening in a sense. in many ways. It’s been an axe that will not grind down, and an axe that will not go away. but eventually the person holding the axe dies, and I am not wishing for that.
——- The person trying to help is trying to help, but it’s not useful, or maybe I’m naieve and a real piece of shit, but I dont think that way, because I am my biggest fan, and not intentionally cruel or rude or mean to ANYONE. ——-
So this is nebulous, and is going to remain that way, because I wish to not be offensive to anyone whom I love, and I am not in therapy right now, so this is the best I can do, because they are unwilling to accept that when I got beat up, I did not have something go awry in my brain.
I did however spend the next 13 years smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol, and smoking a lot of pot, which made my body upset, and they’ve not understood this no matter how much I’ve explained it to them.
Now that I don’t do these things anymore to my body, I’ve already put on 9 pounds in the last few weeks (3 weeks,) and am sleeping better than ever, and getting things done more-so that I want to.
The amazing thing, is they’re still holding this image of a broken me..
It’s not my problem, and I don’t blame anyone, because if I did those things, I would be putting myself in a holding pattern, and then I would be unable to grow.
There’s a real big point here: When you respond to someone else’s thoughts and don’t allow yourself to be your authentic self, and present to the world and to yourself how YOU want to, YOU are being inauthentic.
Some may say it’s caring, but I feel it’s the symptomology of Codependence. THis is a very hard entry to write for me.
Not because of the wording, but because of the feelings attached to it. I know I spelled symptomoly wrong above and right here too, but at the moment I don’t give a fuck. Deal with it.
I’m hoping that before she dies, my mother understands I’ve just seemed like I have been broken, and I have not actually been broken, but I have been procedurally broken. In that I was breaking myself, without realizing it, after the injuries from the 4 person assault and the car accident, and moving 1,000sq ft of furniture myself after the assault had healed…
Now, if there’s a slim chance she’s right, and I’m brain damaged, It would be entirely possible my brain would hide this from me, to protect the ego… But
I do think someone would have told me by now, other than them.
It’s a lot to put here, out in the open, but you know what? I’m a private person, but I’m also a person who is sharing and open when people talk with me, and I enjoy that aspect of myself.
*** A big part of healing is being able to discuss something, to put it out there in the open space so it can be seen clearly and looked at. ***
I don’t like paying for therapy, and my therapist I had for a few years retired at the age of 80 years old, and I wished him well, and we don’t talk anymore because he’s cool, and I wished him a good rest of his life and he’s old and shit and who am I to bother him? He’s retired!
So this entry exists.. and If you’re reading this, I am grateful.
~ Ramo / Omar / Doctor-Beans / citizen of earth