139-2021-the-search-without-searching-for-a-partner

2021-05-19 17:52:16 PM

i need to do something productive today that isnt just banging away at this keyboard.. but right now it seems that banging away at this keyboard is what i am doing, because i dont have a drivers liscense, and i dont have gas.

i’m working on getting my drivers liscense back but i wanted to say it has nothign to do with substances so please dont assume that, and also i did not hit anyone or anything, so please dont assume that either. everyone makes mistakes while driving periodically but i have always taken the care to be a very good driver.

anyway, so right now i wish to be seeing the sunset at the beach which is 5 miles away, from where i live, but instead of doing this i am inside my apartment, listening to a white noise generator, while typing on this keyboard, which is solar powered, and sitting here wondering what to do with the rest of my evening, when it gets dark. I’ve been up since 8 something, and then went back to bed until 10 something, and i have to remember today to close my window before midnight, because there is this person who smokes every night around then and its caught me off guard as i’ve been sitting here at midnight at my computer station several times, and it is terrible.

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i sometimes wonder how this world is put together outside of the esoteric and metaphysical things ive read over the years, and wonder how much of all that is just some bullshit consensus reality that’s been passed on either through texts and repetition or if any of it is actually valid and holds any creedence at all.

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it’s bizarre to consider that nobody knows anything but we can force things into existence, and i do sometimes wonder if thats the only way anything actually happens, and just how far we sit outside of the natural order… after all we are the only species that seems to pull things out of the ground for purposes other than mating, eating, or similar.

there are other things i wonder about too, lots of them really.

a lot more these days than when i was a kid, although when i was a kid, it seemed that there was endless wonder, and i still have that as an adult, but the funny thing is i dont consider myself an “adult” just a person who is on this planet, this green and blue earth thing.

i wonder often what the point of all this is, and i wonder if i will ever find a mate. a partner. because i don’t seem to notice any particular mechanism to meet one, and i dont seem to notice that there are any particular women around that i want to be with, they all seem to be out in other reaches of the world. the funny thing is this is an entirely simple issue and only a matter of the internet being there, the issue of “they are all elsewhere.” but back to the original issue=– i am a well meaning, kind, and i think fairly interesting 38 year old male (almost 39 in January, I will turn 39.) and i have not been married, and i have no life partner, in the sense of a biological female that occupies the same living space that i do.

i would be lying to you if i told you this does not bother me

click to read the rest of this, and it’s not negative whatsoever, but there’s about as much text after you click read more as there was preceding it.

it does. but it’s not a biological imperative to breed, it’s a biological imperative to share my time with someone, to laugh with them, to cook for them, to discuss things with them… I miss this, and I want that in my life again. It has been too long, and that’s not relevant or the point either, but it is time that someone enters my life in this regard, and does not try to take advantage of me, and sees me for who i am, and is kind, and loving, and wants to build a life with me, and take things at a copacetic human pace, what is right for the both of us. :–) meaning, we just exist together, and have a nice time doing it. That’s not hard right? I dont have any expectations other than I would have a partner, and I wish to have a partner to grow with, and that would be my only expectation- that i feel i deserve to not be alone, and also to clarify being alone is not a punishment, but it would be very lovely to be with someone some of the time and not be alone all of the time.

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i also wonder if this is a matter of state based biochemistry in that all humans wish for variety and having a partner makes it a lot more fun to be here.

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:–)

also, this is not a personal ad, but if you are an available female and are reading this please email me. ringo@atomic-squirrel.tech :–) and i’ll be happy to get your message. my actual name is Omar. but i call myself ringo on the internet because it’s a big joke about how everything goes around in a circle, and in cycles.. :–)

I think I’m not asking for too much here. People have enjoyed a romantic life partner since the beginning of time. Otherwise, none of us would be here. I have tried okayCupid for the fact that it may be a lucky thing, but i dont bet on it, because of how the algorithms of the site are skewed, but it would be a nice surprise! here’s hoping something useful comes out of it. Don’t worry, I’m not paying for it.

I dont want to write about anything else right now, save that the Lomatium came in the mail, and now I have an ethernet cable, so I can continue to back up the stuff from the large web server and go to the smaller VPS server. :–)

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Over and out for now!

With love,

~me

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~ Ramo / Omar / Doctor-Beans / citizen of earth