i had a really powerful morning
spent some time with the life stream generator after my morning smoothie / coffee beverage and realized some things
PTSD has still played a large part in my social interactions, even recently, and it was largely invisible to me. I wonder if anyone else saw it and identified it before I did. Doesn’t matter, what matters is I’m writing this and growing. :–) Healing.
So, the other week I stumbled upon a new community of awesome people on the web, and I entered a video chat a group one, and at some point in the chat, I noticed the folk were stretching and it looked pretty healing, and they appeared strong and healthy, so I asked if I could pose a question, and asked about the shoulders and posture.
It was wholly un-realistic to expect any sort of answer, but my inner child was desperate and this was something I’ve been working on healing, self trust. For years. Since 2005 when I got in a real bad car crash, and my body wouldn’t even let me get into my bed at night without cradling my head with both hands, it became hard to trust my body.
First off though, I’d like to thank two people for providing and facilitating a safe space without having ever expected this coming, and having such elegance, and grace in doing so – and my apology is twofold – one, for surreptitiously exposing you to, and sharing my trauma with you, and two: An apology because that was inappropriate. I trust that you will understand this is my way of attempting to straighten out perceptive fabrics, and that also herein I’m realizing that I’ve attempted to gauge how safe a space was initially by exposing my worst life events, and seeing how the reaction was.
Not a great way to relate, but this why I’m apologizing, and this is what I realized while I was doing my lifestream session, and this is also likely coming up as today is day 18 of being a life-time non-smoker.
So, Russ Sharek, and Avalon, *in the fashion of Ho’PonoPono, * > Thank you. I’m sorry, Please forgive me. :–) Thank you.
So this is the end of the entry, because I’ve already encapsulated everything I needed to say here, and to repeat things would just be iterative, and that is another thing about PTSD, it tends to compartmentalize short term memory to avoid further trauma or bad feelings.
In this case, these are all healing thoughts, and there are no bad feelings, just know in the future I intend our interactions to be far more appropriately contextual, and you needn’t worry about me dumping all manner of traumatic events into the deep blue open, this was an old pattern, that I have identified, and being that I am fearlessly and eternally dedicated to healing so that I may become a better person, to those who cross my path, and those who love me, and those in general out there in the world, this is reprogrammed.
Thanks so much!!!
and thank you for being my friend. It is an honor to have met both of you, I think highly of the two of you. :–)
~ Ramo / Omar / Doctor-Beans / citizen of earth